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A couple of months ago, I had a few hours of downtime on a weekday afternoon. Normally I would use this time to get something done for work or home, but that day I decided to focus on a bit of self-care.
While driving, I saw a sign for a foot massage sale at one of those strip mall-type massage places. On a whim, I pulled over and walked in.
There were no customers inside when I arrived. It looked like it had been empty for quite some time. No one was at the front desk either, but the shopkeeper shuffled hurriedly from the back when she heard me call out.
Her shuffle was immediately followed by a look of disappointment when she saw me, a black woman, standing at the reception desk.
I asked for the advertised foot massage, and she said, with a straight face, "oh, we are really busy right now. I can't take walk-ins." She also said, "Try going to the nail salon at the corner. We just can't take you."
Translation: I don't want to serve Black people. I can't say that because it's illegal, and you might leave a bad review on Yelp. So I will make up a lie that doesn't make sense, serve it up with a smile, and hope you don't cause a fuss.
A few thoughts went through my head:
I could call her out on her racist behavior. But I knew that would result in a back-and-forth argument that wouldn't end well.
I could demand service, but did I really want a bigot massaging my feet? Nope.
I could roll my eyes, leave, and find a place to get more self-care to counter the drama of my first attempt at self-care.
I chose the latter. I was already exhausted from this encounter and no longer had energy for anything else.
Why Self-Care Matters
In pop culture, self-care is posed as an indulgence. It's always about luxurious bubble baths, spa days, jade rollers, and eye masks. That positioning makes it seem trivial and fun, like the cherry on top of a sundae.
Self-care is not a luxury in that way. Self-care is the work.
It's about soothing and caring for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Self-care looks like setting and sticking to boundaries with friends and family, even if you are afraid. Self-care is resting because you know you need it even though you have a million things to do.
Self-care is self-awareness—being aware of your feeling and honoring them instead of pushing them away.
In my case, that day, self-care looked like admitting that my feelings were hurt by that racist interaction, even though it wasn't my first time dealing with a situation like that. Even though I was also annoyed and angry. Even though I am a capable adult, not a vulnerable child. Still, my feelings were hurt, and the interaction bought up the feelings of upset I had about interactions like this in the past.
To take care of myself in that moment, I allowed those feelings of hurt, upset, anger, and shame to ebb and flow. I also talked with my partner despite my mind buzzing with judgmental chatter like, "why are you making such a big deal of this." And I got a massage somewhere else because I still wanted one.
In other words, I took care of and loved on myself. That's what self-care is. It's doing what you need, even when you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or scared.
The bubble baths and spa days are fun stress relievers, but they are no substitute for that work.
In power and solidarity,
Toya
P.S. You’ve read this far. Might as well sign up:
This summer, I'm hosting free You Were Built For This Roadmap calls for women of color. There are only 3 spots left. Book your free call here.