As I sat down to dinner with my husband on Monday night, I felt anxious and uneasy. I felt that way most of the day without the energy to put words and sentences around my feelings. I was just tired.
And sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I told Ali, "I feel like the United States is just like Kanye."
With a puzzled expression, Ali replied, "Oookkaayy. Why do you say that?"
"Well, with both Kanye and the United States, it feels like I'm watching a slow-moving train wreck. I know it won't end well, and I wish things were different. But it also feels like there is very little I can do about it."
(More accurately, I should have said, "I'm angry and don't feel like I should have to do anything about it.” I mean, haven't black women done enough? I digress..)
I felt this way because the day before, in Jacksonville, Florida, a white man with a swastika-emblazoned gun entered a Dollar General and killed three black patrons for the crime of being black.
At this point, mass shootings, whether racially motivated or not, happen so often that news of them gets buried between entertainment headlines and Trump's latest shenanigans.
It's been this way for years. I offer this excerpt from a newsletter I wrote in August of 2019 as proof:
These were some of the headlines on Buzzfeed this week:
Zillow Is Buying and Selling Lots of Homes and it's Almost Half It's Business Now
At Least 22 People Were Killed In A Shooting in El, Paso Texas, That Officials Describe as a "Hate Crime"
This Women Found a Genius Way to Text Body Pictures
Nine People Are Dead and Dozens More Were Injured in a Shooting in Dayton, Ohio
All Those Texts You Receive From Political Campaigns Actually Work
The Garlic Festival Shooter Killed Himself Contradicting Police Claims That Officers Fired The Fatal Shot
Trump Blamed This Weekend's White Supremacist Terror Attack and Mass Shooting on Everything But Guns
Buzzfeed presented all these headlines on its "news" page with equal weight and billing. But the problem here is that the importance of each story is different.
Given this moment in our culture, our President's racist, misogynistic rhetoric, and the fact that, since January 2019, there have been at least 17 mass shootings according to ABC News (or 248 if you use the definition of mass shooting as defined by the Mass Shooting wikipedia page), all we should be concerned with are the white supremacist terror attacks in Gilroy, California, Dayton, Ohio, and El Paso, Texas.
Racism is killing America. Yet, we are all still moving along as if 3 mass shootings in 7 days is a normal part of American life.
I was disgusted by our country's inability to pass meaningful gun legislation then, and I'm still upset about it today.
There also is a special kind of anxiety that comes when you sit down and take in that you are being hunted as a black person in the United States.
This isn't a new phenomenon, of course. America has been beating, lynching, and shooting black and brown bodies since its inception. But the anxiety of it. Of knowing that you can drive with your tail light out and be killed by a police officer like Sandra Bland, stand in your grandmother's backyard on your cellphone and be shot like Stephon Clark, or shop in Dollar General and lose your life, all the while knowing that your elected representatives will do nothing to prevent acts like this in the future, is a special kind of hell.
If you want to know what courage is, it's getting up, going outside, and living your life knowing these facts.
I'm brave as f**k. All black and brown people are.
Writing A Book Is Like Starting A Business
Writing a book is a lot like starting a business. At first, you are so excited by the idea; it's all the motivation you need to keep going. Then, when you really start to understand everything you must digest, produce, and get done, the overwhelm can make you want to throw up your hands and say forget it.
I was at that point a couple of months ago. But as a coach, I know this is where coaching support comes in handy. Luckily, I had that already.
Being a member of Row House Publishing's women of color writers Vocal20 cohort and then Row House Publishing's Blocked2Book program served me well. I was able to lean on my fellow writers in those programs, especially development editor extraordinaire Neva Talladen, to help me create a plan and manageable to-do list.
So here's where I am in the writing process:
Before I started this journey, I didn't know that you don't finish the manuscript for a nonfiction book before you start looking for agents and publishers.
That doesn't mean nonfiction books are easier to write, though. Eventually, you'll have to write the entire manuscript. But before you do, you have to produce a book proposal that, in some ways, is more challenging to develop than the book itself.
A book proposal is like a mini-book and business plan in one. Not only do you have to convince agents and publishers that you have writing skills and your book is a good idea, but you also have to convince them that you will do what it takes to market and sell the book.
Just like in business, you can't just write a great book and think people will find it in an "if you build it, they will come" way. You have to get out there and hustle. That's the only way to get customers, and the only way to get your book in people’s hands, too.
Hiking With His BFF
First, thank you to those who gave me tips to help Baby Girl with the GI issues I wrote about last week. We are using those tips, and Baby Girl seems much happier.
This week, Ali took Baby Girl on her first official hike. So, for your viewing pleasure, here are the cutest hiking pictures on the planet. Until next week...
In power and solidarity,
Toya