The #ComplimentABlackWoman Challenge
The #ComplimentABlackWoman Challenge for Black History Month is in full swing on social media. For the entire 29 days of February or some portion thereof, participants pledge to compliment a Black woman with their words, money (by purchasing from a Black woman-owned business or donating to a cause focused on Black women), or time (by offering their time or services for free). It’s free and fun.
The photo above captures one of my favorite moments from last year. My husband took me to see Janet Jackson, one of my favorite artists of all time. I had such a good time, as you can see here. It was one of those magical summer nights where everything felt joyous and free.
I found this picture while scrolling through my photos on my phone as I lay on the floor in my office, reeling from some unexpected news.
For the past two months, I have been studying for the California Bar exam. State bar exams are only offered twice yearly — in February and July. I wanted to have my law license in the state where I now reside, and now that Baby Girl is out of the newborn stage, I thought February was the best time to take the exam.
I applied for the exam in October, started studying in December, and was rounding the corner on the last few weeks of preparation when I called the State Bar office to check on my admittance ticket for the test. Because I was on the floor, you know that the conversation did not go well.
Unbeknownst to me, the State Bar had no record of my exam application. Despite my payment of a registration fee and my multiple conversations with the Bar office to verify and check on certain filings since October, no one bothered to tell me that my application was not on file until I called on Monday, after the deadline for applying had passed. Because of the deadline, I can no longer take or apply for February's exam.
I did all the things you do when confronted with something that feels personally unjust. I appealed the decision, filed a complaint about my treatment, and worked my network. I even went to the State Bar office in person to plead my case. None of it worked.
But the events of this week got me thinking about how to respond when life deals out an unexpectedly shitty hand. These strategies might help if you are facing a challenging situation, too. So here are a few things I tried to remember this week:
The Human Experience Includes Both Joy and Pain
For a long time, my happiness depended on circumstances being exactly as I wanted them to be or being as perfect as I thought I should be. Now, I know that happiness and contentment do not work that way.
Happiness comes from accepting life as it is and loving yourself through the joy and pain of it all. Dr. Kristin Neff, in the book Self-Compassion, sums up true acceptance this way:
The fact that life is painful, and that we are all imperfect, is then fully accepted as an integral part of being alive. It becomes understood that happiness is not dependent on circumstances being exactly as we want them to be, or on ourselves being exactly as we'd like to be. Rather, happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.
Confide In Your People
I'm used to keeping my struggles to myself. I didn't want people to see me sweat or to burden others with my woes. Now, I see connection as the most vital part of the human experience.
You must be authentic and let people see who you are to connect. So, I force myself to tell my close friends and family exactly how I am feeling even when I'd rather not talk about it. Holding challenging feelings by yourself only leads to more stress and internal conflict. Your friends and family can provide perspective and move you from your personal sunken place faster.
Take a Break
Learning that I had spent time and money preparing for an exam that I wouldn't be allowed to take knocked the wind out of me. Rather than convincing myself that I was okay and continuing down my to-do list, I took a break. I took time to care for and nurture myself in the moment rather than pushing through. I gave myself the support I needed to think through my options clearly instead of making them out of resentment and anger. That break made all the difference.
Forgive Yourself
When something goes wrong, we can ruminate on ways we could have acted differently or made choices to produce a different result. However, acceptance also means not blaming yourself for what occurred. You made the best decision you could in the moment, and forgiving yourself for the path not taken makes everything easier.
Love Yourself
Because self-love and self awareness change everything.
In Power and Solidarity,
Toya
P.S. Have you had a setback in your life? How did you recover? Hit reply and let me know.