The Letter I Couldn’t Mail Changed My Life
Dear Worthy Woman,
Ten years ago, I burned out so completely that I didn't even recognize what was happening to me.
It was 2015, and I had just left my job as a prosecutor to start my legal practice. I was excited and terrified, but entrepreneurship felt like the new American dream. I believed that if you worked hard enough, you could make anything happen.
And work hard I did. It was non-stop, actually. But I didn't mind it. The excitement of building something new spurred me on.
Then, almost a year in, something shifted. I started feeling extremely exhausted. Not just normal tiredness, but overwhelming, consuming fatigue that sleep couldn't alleviate.
I began staying in bed a little longer, then all of Saturday, and eventually entire weekends. I woke up between 3 and 4 AM almost every night. I cried every morning about not being where I "should" be, about feeling alone, about not understanding why I felt so terrible.
Simple tasks became mountainous. I remember needing to mail a letter. The mailbox was literally on my daily route, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every day, I'd look at that letter on my desk and feel overwhelmed by the simple act of walking to the mailbox. I cried about that letter, seeing it as proof of my secret incompetence.
Despite all these symptoms, I didn't recognize I was burned out. I thought I was happy with my life and work. I blamed everything else. Maybe I needed a vacation, a better diet, and more exercise. I bought productivity books, went on a diet, and joined CrossFit.
Nothing worked.
When Your Body Talks, Listen
Fast forward to today, and I'm experiencing something I never would have paid attention to before: intermittent eye bulging.
I know that that sounds random and weird, but it's been happening for a few months now. In the past, I would have brushed this off completely.
"It's nothing," I would have told myself. "I'm probably just tired." Perhaps I am, but after learning the hard way what happens when we ignore our bodies, I'm paying attention.
Because this weird physical symptom showed up right around the time I started feeling overwhelmed by everything happening in our world, from the political chaos to the constant stream of trauma on our feeds.
I'm concerned that the weight of witnessing so much pain while trying to show up for my life and work is manifesting itself physically. Instead of dismissing it, I'm asking myself, "What is my body trying to tell me today?"
The Invisible Weight of Expectations
As women of color, we've been conditioned to normalize exhaustion and abnormal physical symptoms as the price of success. So we mistake burnout symptoms for the price we pay for "going hard."
We can't stop just because we are tired. We're just getting started.
We don't get second chances the way others do. So we push through everything, including our bodies and minds telling us to slow down.
When you've been socialized to be strong, persevere, and never show vulnerability. Sadness, hurt, overwhelm? There are no outlets for that. We just keep going, but our bodies start to show that wear and tear.
This year, we are all trying to show up for our families and careers while processing a world that feels like it's falling apart. We're managing our stress while carrying the weight of collective trauma.
It's a lot to take in. So when your conditioning makes you an expert at ignoring warning signs that should stop you in your tracks, listening to your body is more important than ever before.
Because the weird physical symptoms, emotional exhaustion, and the feeling of being constantly "on" aren't signs that you're handling everything well? They may be red flags that you're heading toward (or already in) burnout.
The Burnout Checklist
Because we're so good at normalizing the abnormal, I wanted to get specific about what burnout looks like so you know when it's happening.
Here's a checklist:
Physical Symptoms
Strange new symptoms you can't quite explain (like my eye thing)
You catch every cold that goes around (your immune system is waving a white flag)
Your sleep is either nonexistent, or you could sleep for 12 hours and still feel tired
You're having more headaches than usual
Your digestion is off i.e., stomach issues, changes in appetite, or stress eating
You feel physically heavy, like you're moving through molasses
Emotional Red Flags:
You feel overwhelmed by the news but can't stop consuming it
Small things feel overwhelming (like that letter I couldn't mail)
You're more irritable with people you love
You feel emotionally numb or disconnected from things that usually bring you joy
You're experiencing more anxiety or a general sense of dread
Crying feels either impossible or happens at random moments
Mental and Cognitive Symptoms:
Your concentration is shot (In fact, you've re-read this burnout checklist three times.)
Decision fatigue hits hard (choosing what to wear feels like a doctoral thesis)
You're forgetting things more often
Creative thinking feels impossible
You second-guess decisions you would normally make with confidence
Now, you might be reading this list and thinking, "Well, some of these sound familiar, but I'm managing fine."
But surviving isn't the same as thriving, and managing symptoms like these alone quietly erodes our capacity for joy.
Despite everything, we deserve joy. Don't give up your capacity for joy to keep pushing through.
Your Next Right Step
It took one of my best friends recognizing what I couldn't see in myself for me to finally get help back in 2015.
I had to stop everything to prioritize my health. It felt guilty and scary, especially because there were no outward signs of burnout.
While I know I'm not in burnout today, I'm paying attention to my eye issue instead of dismissing it because I'm determined to listen when my body talks.
I'm treating these signs as information, not inconvenience, and I'm taking care of myself.
How are you taking care of you right now? If any of this resonated (and I'm guessing it did, or you wouldn't have read this far), consider this your gentle wake-up call.
Burnout isn't a badge of honor. It's your brilliant body and mind telling you that something needs to shift. Only you can show up for yourself and make that change, and the time to do it is now.
In power and solidarity,
Toya
P.S. What showed up for you as you read this? What weird symptoms have you been dismissing? I'd love to hear from you. Drop me a line or share in the comments below.