You’re Not Special (Neither Am I)
A primer on how to like yourself
This week I'm resharing one of my most popular posts on cultivating confidence and self-worth. This repost emerged from a recent discussion I had with my family about raising kids who genuinely like themselves (a revolutionary concept, I know). From that talk, I realized that figuring out how to parent confident children is challenging for many of us because we are still struggling with worthiness as adults. We're never taught how to feel worthy without being "special.” So we end up like Hasan Minaj in this post, fabricating stories to feel enough. Let's not be Hasan, mkay? Read this post and let me know your next steps for building your confidence in the comments.
Dear Worthy Woman,
This week, I've been thinking a lot about self-worth and what it means to cultivate it. I'd love to hear your take on where I've landed.
Hasan Lied
It all started when I learned Hasan Minaj lied.
Not in the way that all comedians lie by exaggerating the details of a story or doing over-the-top impressions to make a joke more compelling.
Hasan told stories in his stand-up, and doubled down in interviews, about events that never happened at all. Stories that toed the line between hilarious anecdotes and The Moth-style storytelling. Each one epitomized a "if you don't laugh, you'll cry" moment that became the hallmark of his comedy.
He made up a story about rushing his daughter to the hospital for fear of anthrax exposure from a threatening letter sent to him. He invented a story about a white high-school classmate rejecting him because he was Muslim and South Asian. He lied about a white man attempting to radicalize the youth at his Mosque by talking about jihad during basketball and weightlifting sessions. Years later, he claimed he discovered the man was an FBI informant from a television exposé. Turns out, that was a lie, too.
At first, I was shocked and, if I'm honest, slightly hurt by Hasan's lies. I genuinely liked Hasan and was rooting for him to be the next host of The Daily Show. The news of his made-up stories made me feel like he wasn't the person or comedian I thought he was.
Then I remembered that Hasan isn't the only high-profile person to spread lies in recent years. I quickly came up with five incidents off the top of my head, including one from our former President that resulted in the attack on the capital on January 6th.
So the question isn't why Hasan lied. It's why are so many adults lying. I think it's a question of worth.
We're All Basic Bitches
We live in an incredibly competitive culture where we often base our self-worth on how we measure up next to someone else.
We must believe we are smarter, fitter, savvier, wittier, fashionable, successful, and more beautiful than most people to hold ourselves in high esteem. So much so that we call the average person living an average life a "basic bitch” as an insult.
But here's the truth. We're all basic bitches.
It is impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time. We can't all be prettier than most, smarter than the next guy, and a better driver than everyone else on the road. Even if we excel in some areas, there will always be someone smarter, faster, prettier, or more successful.
As humans, we all are exceptional at a few things, average at most things, and below average at a few things, too. That's what it means to be human, aka a basic bitch.
Yet, we are never taught to deal with this reality. Instead, we base our worth on how much better we think we are compared to someone else, and we have to continuously feed our need for positive self-evaluation to feel good enough.
When we inevitably don't feel special or better, shame sets in. We feel unworthy and start hustling to hide that we really don't like ourselves.
We project our flaws and feelings of inadequacy on other people. We deny the truth of inabilities and convince ourselves that we are better than we are. (I'm looking at you American Idol contestants who get laughed off the show in the early rounds every season.)
We also lie. We lie about events, the role we played in stories, and our resumes to keep feeling special even when, deep down, we don't feel like we measure up.
These unsavory coping mechanisms are common to us all. Granted, we don't lie to the degree Hasan did, but we all do it.
Cultivating Self-Worth Without Comparison
So, how do we cultivate a sense of self-worth without comparison? I think we do it with self-compassion. In other words, we stop labeling ourselves and our accomplishments as "good" or "bad", "better" or "worse," and accept ourselves, flaws and all, unapologetically.
We treat ourselves with the same kindness, care, and compassion we show our family and friends. We find the beauty in being "basic" and stop trying to deny the fact that we are just like everyone else.
I know this is easier said than done. I know we take tremendous pride in believing we are extraordinary and learning that we're all the same can feel like a bit of a letdown.
But there is freedom in the truth. The result is that we stop feeling ashamed of being flawed and human. We no longer need to lie to make our jokes more poignant or make other people think our bank accounts are larger.
We accept ourselves and one another unconditionally and know, with unshakeable faith, we are worthy.
In power and solidarity,
Toya